In both the United States and the United Kingdom, family law attorneys see a noticeable spike in divorce inquiries every January—so much so that the month has been nicknamed “Divorce Month.” After the holidays, many couples begin taking the first legal steps toward separation.
Roughly 40% of marriages in the U.S. and U.K. end in divorce. Experts suggest the holiday season can be a tipping point. The financial stress, family gatherings, and emotional pressure often intensify existing issues, prompting couples to make major decisions once the new year begins.
For parents, that often means figuring out how to support their children through this major transition. In this article, we’ll explore how to prepare your child for divorce—what signs to watch for, how kids typically cope, and where you can find tools and resources to help guide your family forward.
How Children Handle Divorce
Telling a child about a pending divorce is one of the most difficult conversations any parent could ever have—the oppressive weight of shame, continuous anxiety, and incredible guilt, are all part of what makes discussing divorce with a child a herculean task.
It can be easy to overlook a child’s sadness when parents are struggling to manage their own difficult emotions.
Research from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, shows that by the time they are adults, most people who experience divorce as young children are more likely to have relationship issues than those who grew up in typical non-divorced families.
The news of divorce hits kids of different ages differently. Age, maturity, and temperaments often affect how a child will take the news.
- 0 to 5-year-olds have little to no ability to understand complex events or understand their feelings. Story books on divorce can be useful in helping them process the situation and their emotions.
- 6 to 11-year-olds have more ability to think and talk about their feelings. They tend to have a broader view of what is going on around them but still lack a proper understanding of what divorce could be all about.
- 9 to 11-year-olds have a more developed ability to understand, think and talk about their feelings and circumstances related to divorce, and may assign blame for the split.
- 12 to 14-year-olds have a greater capacity to understand issues related to divorce and may question parents’ decisions and authority. They can take part in discussions and ask questions to increase their understanding.
Understanding Their Frame of Mind
For children, divorce often feels like an overwhelming loss—not just of one parent living in the same home, but of the daily rhythms, routines, and emotional security they’ve always known. It can disrupt their entire sense of normalcy. They may grieve the loss of:
- A unified home and family dynamic
- Daily interactions with both parents
- Traditions, holidays, or routines that are suddenly different
- A sense of control or stability in their world
Even if the divorce is handled respectfully, it can still bring up fear, confusion, sadness, guilt, or even anger. Some children internalize the blame or feel responsible for “fixing” things. Others might struggle with changes in behavior, school performance, or emotional regulation.
They may also display behaviors such as:
- Not wanting to be around family members and not cooperating with family routines, shutting himself or herself in the bedroom for long periods, or spending more time online
- Problem with school work
- Loss of appetite
- Getting angry, upset, or tearful more than usual
- Challenging your authority and breaking school rules
- Taking solace in drugs
That’s why being proactive, honest, and emotionally available during this transition is key—it’s not just about explaining what’s happening, but helping them feel safe through the change.
How to Break the News with Care
It’s natural for kids to hope that their parents will unite again. While holding on to such thoughts provides emotional assurance, it’s essential to explain the finality of your decision.
Reassure them with empathy, but don’t give false hope. Children deserve honesty they can count on, even if it’s hard to hear. Here are a few thoughtful ways to guide the conversation.
Use Simple, Age-Appropriate Language
Tailor the message to your child’s age and maturity. Younger children benefit from simple explanations like “Mom and Dad have decided to live in different homes, but we both love you very much, and that will never change.”
Older kids may need more context, but avoid oversharing. Don’t bring them into the details of who hurt whom—the key is to avoid blame and keep their emotional safety top priority.
Present a United Front (If You Can)
Whenever possible, both parents should sit down together to talk with the children. This reinforces that you’re still a parenting team and helps prevent feelings of blame or division. Agree on a neutral, honest message ahead of time.
Even if emotions are running high or the split isn’t mutual, keeping the focus on your child and not your conflict makes all the difference. What matters most isn’t exactly what you say, but how safe and loved your child feels in that moment.
Provide Reassurance
One of the first thoughts kids have is, “Did I do something wrong?” Make it crystal clear that the answer is no. Say it plainly and say it often:
- “This isn’t your fault.”
- “We both love you.”
- “We’re still your parents, and that will never change.”
Reassure them that while some things are changing, many things, like school, friends, and spending time with both parents, will stay the same.
Emphasize that you’re still a team when it comes to parenting, and the family is still a family, just in a different shape. Let them ask questions, and if you don’t have all the answers yet, honesty and calm go a long way.
Timing Matters
There’s no perfect time, but timing does matter. Too early, and kids may stew in anxiety or cling to false hope. Too late, and it can feel like a sudden shock. Aim for a moment when your child has time and space to process, like an evening before the weekend.
That gives them a couple of days to feel their feelings without school or other obligations. Steer clear of birthdays, holidays, or other emotionally charged times.
A week or two before a major change (like one parent moving out) is often a good window—enough time to start processing, but not so much that it drags on.
Stick to What’s Certain
Kids crave stability, especially when their world feels like it’s shifting. Focus on what’s already decided, like who’s moving out, what stays the same, any upcoming changes to school or routines. Avoid guessing or making promises you’re not sure about.
If some things are still in motion, be honest and reassuring: “We’re still figuring that out together, but we’ll let you know as soon as we do.” Predictability, even in small doses, can go a long way in helping them feel safe.
Expect (and Validate) Big Feelings
Tears, tantrums, silence—whatever your child feels, it’s valid. Some kids react right away, others take time. Let them know it’s okay to be sad, mad, confused, or even relieved. Say things like, “It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. We’re here for you.”
Remember that this isn’t a one-and-done talk, it’s an open, ongoing conversation. Check in regularly, even if they don’t seem to want to talk. Just knowing you’re there makes a difference
Insulate Them from Conflict
Children should never feel like they’re caught in the middle. Keep visible conflicts, legal discussions, or heated arguments far away from them. Avoid venting about the other parent in their presence.
When kids witness conflict, it can make them feel unsafe, anxious, or like they have to choose sides, even if no one says that outright. Your job now is to be their emotional shield. Let the tough stuff stay between the adults.
Focus on What’s Ahead
Divorce marks a change, but it doesn’t mean the end of family.
Framing the future with honesty and hope helps your child feel grounded. Prioritize routines and plan family time—movie nights, game days, weekend breakfasts—to show them that love, connection, and stability are still very much part of the picture.
Once the initial conversation happens, move into what day-to-day life will look like. For instance, “You’ll still go to the same school, sleep at Dad’s on Fridays, and we’ll all still go to your soccer games.” Concrete details help make the unknown feel manageable.
Visual aids like calendars or simple schedules can go a long way in helping kids picture their new routine—and feel more secure in it.
Useful Resources
Divorce is a significant life change for the entire family, with children the innocent victims. Even though property, custody, and financial issues can all add pressure to the divorce, it’s vital parents take ample time to manage the process and know how to talk about divorce with their kids.
While it’s never easy, we hope these resources motivate parents to continue to be the best they can be, and provide assurance that, after the separation, a positive family life is still possible.
- An article by Dr. Maker in Psychology Today highlights five critical do’s and don’ts that can help your children adapt positively to divorce and diminish family conflict in the process. Following these typical but important guidelines can protect your children and enhance their coping and resiliency.
- Rosalind Sedacca, the founder of the Child Centered Divorce Network who interviewed Dr. Maker on helping kids cope with divorce, provides numerous, helpful resources for parents.
- The Child Centered Divorce Network is sponsoring the International Child Centered Divorce Month and providing multiple resources, such as books, interviews, and articles focused on supporting parents through divorce.
If you’re going through a divorce and need emotional support, professional guidance and divorce counseling, be sure to reach out to us today.